My Life in Ruins

heartbreak

So, this has been an extremely rough week for me. Losing my trusty VW after 13 years of loyal service, and then discovering my boyfriends adult blog where he had been exchanging seductive photos and text with other women the day after. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or stop crying for the first 3 days (and I am NOT the crying type).

Things are moving at a turtle’s pace with the insurance company (surprise!) but the car is totalled, they said that hopefully tomorrow they’ll have an estimate on what I’ll get for the car.

My boyfriend, on the other hand has continued to accuse me and try to turn the blame all on me for this. I thought it would be funny to post some crazy comment on his blog, and he’d call and tell me about it and we’d laugh about it later, this is where the trouble started. He thinks I signed in under his profile and was snooping around. He says he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did, and the pictures he had were no worse than a bathing suit photo, a seductive pose on his bed barely covered by a sheet is NOT the same as a bathing suit photo! I have to wonder what happened in our relationship that he felt the need to seek out other women, and if lying to me is a new habit or an old one that I was too trusting and stupid to pick up on. We were supposed to meet yesterday to talk things through face to face, but due to us both being without vehicles and a death of a good friend of his family we were unable to. On Saturday he text me accusing me of changing his blog password, he said he couldn’t get in to cancel it. I told him I couldn’t have done it because I never signed in under his name (he does not seem to believe me though). I only went on that site the one time and was so shocked and hurt from what I saw I had no desire to go on it again. I told him I cancelled my fake email that I used to sign up, and didn’t think the blog account mattered since I only did the bare minimum to sign up anyway and it was all made up information. He said cancelling the blog was really hard. Then Sunday we actually had a civil conversation over text where no accusations were made, no arguements and I was starting to feel better. I thought maybe since he cancelled his email first instead of the blog that was why he was having trouble signing in. To test this theory (and clear my name) I thought I’d try to sign in under my made up screenname on that blog to see if it would still let me in since I had cancelled the email I used. It signed in with no problem. I then looked up his blog since he asked me what was going on with it on Saturday since he couldn’t sign in. Low and behold what do I see but a new post from Sunday, and a new one today. Nothing horrible was written on it, just ficticious stories, but now I once again have caught him in a lie. Was the only reason he asked me all those questions to see if I was stalking his blog to see if it was safe for him to continue using it while lying to me about it? Seems that way to me…

::Sigh:: So now I am upset all over again. I don’t know why this happened. He didn’t have a job, so I bought him whatever he wanted (within reason), He got into a car accident months ago and doesn’t have a ride, so I did all the driving. Maybe I just gave too much, maybe I was too trusting, maybe I am just an idiot and we never had what I thought we did. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man…

I was holding out hope that if we could just talk face to face, we could start to rebuild and get through all this nastiness. We had a lot of really good times, and he was there for me without my having to ask during hard times in my life over the past 3 years. We were always really happy together. After finding out he was lying to me again today, I’m starting to realize that’s probably not possible, or in my best interest, which is really hard to admit. He doesn’t seem to want to make amends with me, just find new ways to hide his actions. I believe you can’t change a person, they have to want to make the change themselves. As hurt and mad as I am, I still feel love for him, and I don’t want this to be it. Is that crazy?

Our conversation yesterday ended with trying to meet up sometime this week once one of us is mobile to talk things out. I suppose I’ll wait for now and see what he has to say, what he is willing to admit to, and if he is willing to make amends before I decide what move to make. Things are not looking good…

I would like to apologize for all of this relationship babble I am posting. I have only discussed this with a handful of people close to me, so close I couldn’t hide my feelings. I didn’t want to air this to everyone I know in case we do get through this. This blog is my only outlet at the moment. Thank you readers for putting up with this. Once again, if anyone has experience with a situation like this, or just wants to offer some advice, I would greatly appreciate it. A third party perspective from someone who has nothing to lose or gain from it always helps.

-SR
Survive Reality, Live the Dream

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4 thoughts on “My Life in Ruins

  1. Lance says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I suck at advice because I’m a mess, myself. But just know that I’m reading, hoping for you to get stronger and better through this, and maybe you can figure out what’s best for you.

    • Thank you Lance. It really helped to be able to write everything out as my emotions went completely haywire on me, my passionate Irish fire tends to take control of me at times of extreme duress. Things seem to be slowly working out, keeping my habits of being direct and honest right away instead of letting things linger seemed to help. It also helped that once I was able to calm down, I looked at all angles of the whole situation and was better able to deal with the problems. My boyfriend’s father called me the last true American girl (which I took as a very high compliment). If you ever need to vent, I’ll be more than happy to return the favor.

  2. BlueEyes says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry this is happening. I have been there.
    Four years into our marriage I found my husband had been going into chat rooms to have sexual encounters. I realized the pattern of dysfunction and lies from my life with alcoholics as a kid and realized I was caught in another web of addiction. Because we were married, I felt a little more obligated to stay. I gave him the ultimatum of going to 12 step meetings or we were done. I went to SAnon and he went to SA. It was a really tough year. The obsession I had with controlling him, of double checking the computer. I just wanted to know I was loved, that I hadn’t made a horrible mistake.
    Going to a set program to get help really changed our lives. We are still married, and our love and intimacy are stronger than before. I’m not going to lie, it was really hard to be willing to trust him. My willingness to do my own work, to look at my own issues, along with his willingness to do the same, is the only reason we are still together, doing the best we can to get through and enjoy life.
    My offer, check out an SAnon meeting, work your own issues and give yourself the time you need.

    • Thank you so much for your comment.

      I know it’s going to be a long hard road to get back to the way we were. Trust is a big one, I find myself questioning everything now that I know he lied to me, never had that problem in the first 2 years and that was part of what made me fall so hard in love with him. I thought he was honest with me and I didn’t have to question him. Now, I find it hard to use the pet names I had for him, I don’t like it when he uses pet names on me anymore. They’re not special anymore, just something he says to every girl. Cuddling doesn’t feel the same. I know I love him, because any other guy I would have dumped his stuff off at his door, pawned the gifts he gave me and moved on. I’ve never had a problem getting the people who negatively affect me out of my life. I admit, I did pack his stuff up and the box is still in my house packed. I can’t bring myself to do anything with it.

      Thank you again, for the SAnon meeting suggestion, that sounds like a good idea. Thank you also for letting me know it IS possible to go through a situation like this and come out stronger on the other side, I can only do my part and hope.

      -SR
      Survive Reality, Live the Dream

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